How To Talk To Children About COVID-19

With schools closed for the year, the continued spread of COVID-19 and the ongoing coverage of the virus, many parents are wondering how best to talk to their children about the corona virus.

Here are a few tips to help your child understand and cope with the COVID-19 pandemic.

1.       Stay Calm

Children take their cues from their parents.  When they’re parents are worried and highly stressed, they become more anxious.  Manage your own anxiety.  Before talking with your children, think about what you want to say, talk with your spouse, and bounce ideas off each other.  Stay calm when discussing the outbreak.

Let your younger kids play with their toys while you’re talking to them.  Having something else to focus on helps them stay calm while they listen.

On the other hand, don’t try having a conversation with your children if they’re watching TV, playing a videogame, or otherwise engaged in screen-based activities.  These are highly distracting and can create major obstacles in communication.

2.       Don’t Make Promises You Can’t Keep

We want to let our children know we will do everything possible to keep them safe, but we need to be honest.  Somethings are outside of our control. We can’t promise them they won’t get sick or that everyone they know will be fine. If we do, children may lose trust and confidence in us if people do begin to get sick. 

Tell the truth. Lead with this: there is a very low risk children and younger adults with get COVID-19.  And, according to Dr Thomas Murray at the Yale School of Medicine, COVID-19 does not appear to cause severe distress in children. Most people who contract COVID-19 will have a fever and flu-like symptoms that will clear after a few days or weeks.  The virus can be serious for people who are older or chronically ill; but remind children that older adults in our lives (grandparents, teachers, friends at church) are taking steps to ensure they stay healthy too.  During this time of year, especially in larger families, it’s not unusual for someone in the house will be sick, often with a common cold or allergies.  Reassure your kids that you’ll take care of them. Most children will tend to assume things are much worse than they really are if they aren’t given the facts.  Being honest with children, even about the risks, will reduce their anxiety.

3.       Don’t Give Them Too Much Information

While we need to be honest, we don’t want to flood our children with too much information.  Start by asking kids what they’ve heard and then respond to their concerns. Be factual, general, and brief.  Then let children ask questions.  Kids will ask questions when they’re ready for more information.

Make sure the information you give is age-appropriate.  Pre-schoolers don’t need to know about pandemics or community spread.  Older children may ask questions to which you don’t have the answers.  In those cases, either look for the answers together or tell your kids you’ll find out and get back to them.  Don’t feel like you have to have all the answers immediately but do follow up with them.  Uncertainty and the unknown fuel anxiety, answers help put things in perspective.

 It’s also important to know what they’re hearing and seeing on TV, online or in conversations they’re hearing around the house.  They could become overwhelmed and anxious if there is too much conversation about COVID-19 around them. 

4.       Make Yourself Available

Keeping on top of daily life can be challenging for all of us.  Even as we’re trying to juggle changes in school, work schedules, or wide-spread cancellations of activities, we need to be continually present and available to our children.  Several days after your initial conversation about COVID-19 they still might need to talk through their concerns or ask questions.  Make sure you’re touching base with your children at least once a day specifically to see how they’re doing.

5.        Teach Kids How to Prevent The Spread of Germs

Knowing specific steps kids can take to stay healthy is an important way to keep them from feeling powerless or out of control.  Teach them the proper way to wash their hands (Sing “Happy Birthday” twice).  Also teach them to wash hands after coming in from outside, after using the bathroom, and before and after meals.  Show them how to sneeze or cough into their elbows rather than their hands or the air.  Encourage them to keep their immune system strong by eating healthy foods, getting enough sleep, and getting exercise.

6.       Helping Children Cope

During this uncertain time, praying together as a family can be a source of comfort and encouragement for children.  Praying for anyone impacted by COVID-19 is good way to help children feel they can help others, rather than feel that they are powerless in the current crisis.

Children under stress are more likely to start acting out if they aren’t given appropriate outlets for that stress.  Being outdoors and getting exercise help reduce anxiety, so if possible and if safe, let them play outside.  Drawing, constructing, or other creative projects are a great way for children to process stress.  Most importantly, make sure children have the opportunity laugh.  Healthy play and laughter are the best ways for children to process anxiety and build resiliency.

A version of this article was originally published in the Arlington Catholic Herald

Dusting Off The Blog

Hello All!

So I realized recently that I hadn’t updated the blog in a while.  Then I checked and realized that “a while” was actually 18 months.  Ooops.  Time flies when you’re parenting small children.  Or to put it another way - the days are really long but the months and years go by faster than you’d imagine.

The two biggest things, for our family, in the last year and half are…

Duckling #4 joined our family in January 2019.  My wife and I were delighted to welcome another little girl into the family.  We’ve all had time to adjust and it’s a joy to watch her interacting with the other ducklings and to see her little personality continue to develop and shine.

Of course, the other major thing which is impact all our families is the COVID-19 pandemic.  We’re about 5 weeks into social distancing and Stay At Home orders in Virginia.  Now that everyone is starting to find a new rhythm, I thought it would be good to revisit the blog.

I’ve mostly written about parenting on this site, but recently I’ve been asked to write not just about parenting but families in general as everyone tries to adjust to the widespread changes and stressors we’re now experiencing.  So I’ll post on a broader array of topics for the time being.

This is a time of uncertainty but it is also a time to reevaluate how we relate to our children and to each other.  Focus, prioritize, and keep hope alive.

Guide Or Punish

A colleague told me recently about a difficult situation where a parent was trying to discipline their rambunctious child. Discipline is a good thing, it's a part of helping our children grow in virtue. There are clear expectations of behavior that all children must learn, such as always look both ways before crossing the street, speak respectfully toward others, and tell the truth at all times. Discipline is the art of teaching children to live virtuously while instilling a clear sense and understanding of the rules, codes, and standard operating procedures that our children will encounter every day they're living in the world.

If our children are more docile in temperament, it may be easier to encourage these behaviors. Certainly not "easy" but easier. Not every kid is docile. The Ducklings, for example, all have strong personalities and have no problem letting you know what they think. They come by it honestly.

So how do we respond to a child that has a big personality? Especially when that child may not do things exactly as you want them done. The answer cannot be forcing compliance through fear and violence. My colleague shared that the parents of the rambunctious child had resorted to hitting and washing the kid's mouth with soap. Sadly, this won't end well. Discipline and punishment are not the same thing. A child who is spanked or hit doesn't learn what the expectations are, or why they matter. Instead, the child learns to avoid being punished rather than internalize the message or lesson. There are lots of ways to avoid being punished. Not getting caught is one of the easiest. When we resort to punishing, what we're teaching our kids are the merits of being sneaky. A focus on avoiding being in trouble at all costs (by lying or deceit) can carry on from childhood into adolescence and adulthood.  So while there might be a surface change in behavior, we wouldn't say this is an example of a child growing in virtue.

Equally problematic is how a punishing approach weakens the relationship between parent and child. Kids become resentful of the intervention ("I don't like that you yell at me all the time but if nothing I do is ever good enough for you then why should I even bother."). Parents can feel equally resentful ("I feel guilty for what I did and I wouldn't have had to do it if you would just behave better"). So an intervention that leaves both parent and child more upset with themselves and the other person while not actually making any positive changes needs to be reconsidered.

When I present this idea, parents often ask me if I think kids should just be left to run wild.  No, but I think we can guide our children without resorting to punishment - the parental nuclear option. Instead, we can clearly explain, in age appropriate terms, what behavior is expected and why.  We can help our children understand cause and effect by seeing the consequences of their choices, both good and bad.  Here’s an example.  Let’s say one of the Ducklings wants me to read them a story before bed, and I want her to pick up her toys first.  If I ask this at 7pm and bedtime is at 7:30pm, the sooner she picks up, the more time we have to read.  If she pokes around until 7:28pm, we won’t have a lot of time for reading.  There’s a clearly stated expectation (please clean up your room) and a clearly understood consequence (stories can’t happen until the room is clean, and bedtime is in 30 minutes).  So if she zips right through and cleans everything in 5 minutes, she gets lots of reading time. Hooray for her!  She made a decision that has positive consequences.  If she dawdles, she might not have time for a story.  Sorry, but we’ll try it again tomorrow.

Three important notes here for parents.  One, all directions must be reasonable and achievable.  It’s fine to give your kid 5 minutes to get in pajamas and brush teeth but it’s no fair giving a kid a 5 minute window to mow the entire yard.  Two, stay positive and calm.  If you send the message that you believe a kid will fail, they probably will.  And if they don’t meet their goal, be encouraging that they can achieve it next time.  Three, you MUST be consistent and follow through.  If you say bedtime is at 7:30, stick to that.  If you say you’re going to read if they get things done, be true to your word.  Kids are more likely to follow through when they see their parents doing the same.

This week, when an opportunity comes up to guide your child, think about what is the true lesson you want him or her to learn, and how to teach that lesson in the most positive way possible.