An Open Letter To The Class of 2020

To The Graduating Class of 2020,

It seems that every high school graduation I have attended has included a speaker making sweeping statements such as “What a long strange trip it’s been!” or quoting Dr. Seuss’s “Oh, The Places You’ll Go.”  In 2020, I agree with the first statement and am uncertain how to respond to the latter.  Six months ago, the expectation is that graduation would be a time to gather and celebrate with friends and families.  With high school behind you, the next chapter of your life – college for some, different adventures for others – would begin in a few short months.  However, COVID-19 turned the world upside down.  Bedrooms became classrooms, and lunch with friends became FaceTime conversations with sandwiches.  But time moves on, and we have arrived at this moment of closure and change.

The lack of a traditional graduation is a disappointment for students and families alike.  It’s alright to acknowledge the frustration of not being able to don cap and gown and receive our degree.  For many, graduation and a diploma is the end product of four years of work.  So to be told that we’ve crossed the finish line of the marathon but that there will be no ceremony to celebrate the accomplishment seems anticlimactic and unfair.  But the lack of a formal graduation ceremony does not diminish the achievement.  A degree earned is not devalued by the absence of celebration.  And that same degree can never be taken away, not even by coronavirus.

As for what happens next, none of us are totally sure.  College and the future may look very different than we anticipated it would a year ago.  College classes may continue to be held online for the next semester or maybe even year.  Moves to different cities or states may be delayed.  And even if we’re able to make the move to a new location, there is a lingering uncertainty of whether we might face another similar situation in the future, forcing all of us to come back.  Leaving home, which can be a challenging transition in the best of circumstances, may even be a source of increased anxiety due to the unknowns of dorm living in the wake of a global pandemic.

Slow down.

Be not afraid.

Have hope.

The pandemic, like many other hardships in our lives, won’t last forever.  And while things may never be exactly the same as they were before COVID-19, the future won’t be unrecognizable to us.  The next chapter in our lives has not been cancelled.  Perhaps it will begin slightly later than we’d anticipated, or maybe it will occur in a series of smaller, incremental steps.  You will not be stuck in limbo forever.

With the stress and chaos of the pandemic, it’s easy to focus on the things that aren’t going as planned.  We tend to get frustrated when real life doesn’t match the way we’d imagined things would be.  Don’t get stuck spending too much time focusing on the things that aren’t there.  If we allow ourselves do that, we forget to appreciate the good that is in front of us.  Remember, despite the long strange trip of the last few months, God will still lead you to amazing places.  We just need to try to be patient and remember that all things occur in His time.

In Christ,

Michael Horne

A version of this article was originally published in the Arlington Catholic Herald

Dealing With Anxiety, Depression & Spiritual Crisis

With the rapid changes brought on by COVID-19, there is an incredible level of stress for everyone in the country.  We have worries about our families, our work, finances, and loved ones living in areas that may be experiencing an even greater impact than where we live.  We have seen widespread effects that are unprecedented in our lifetime such as all Masses being suspended and the cancellation of major sporting events.  So how can we cope with the chaos of the pandemic?

Make The Healthy Choice

Three key things – Eat well, stay physically active, get a good night sleep.  While this seems simplistic, sticking to these core points will improve health, strengthen the immune system, and are good for preventing anxiety and depression.  When we are worried or depressed, we get away from all three of these activities.  We tend to eat junk food because it’s easier than cooking but eating high amounts of carbs, sugars, and fats can lead to blood sugar and insulin spikes.  When blood sugar and insulin levels crash, this causes the release of stress hormones.  A balanced diet leads to better mental health.  Similarly, when we are depressed, we’re less likely to be physically active but exercise leads to the release of endorphins which improves mood and reduces stress.  Finally, when stress throws our routine off badly, the temptation is to distract ourselves by watching TV or being online late into the night.  But not getting a sufficient amount of sleep, or even unintentionally shifting to a more nocturnal schedule is taxing on the body, which stresses our immune system and mental health.

Maintain Routine

When faced with chaos, keep the normal structure of your life as much as possible.  Ask what you would normally be doing and do as much of that as possible.  Obviously, there will be disruptions, but try to keep continuity in key areas.  If you are working from home and would typically arrive at the office at 8am, make sure to get up, eat breakfast, shower, and get dressed so you are ready start working at 8am.  If you go to the gym after work, try to exercise at home after your work day is over.  If your kids have a snack and watch TV after school while you make dinner, let them have a snack and watch a show while you’re busy in the kitchen.  The routine can be a stabilizing factor and can help reduce feelings of anxiety, or the feeling of being out of control or stuck that often accompanies depression.

Stay Connected

Social distancing has, and will continue, to lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness.  We’re used to seeing our friends and interacting with people at work or school.  Fortunately, the same technology that can allow us to telecommute or participate in distance education, can be used to stay connected to our friends and loved ones that we would otherwise be able to be with.  Use technology creatively.  Consider virtual coffee dates, game nights on webcams, or Karaoke on a videoconference platform.  While it may not be the same as really being there, the creative use of technology can help bridge the gap until the crisis passes and we’re able to be with those we care about again.

Prayer As An Anchor

The inability to attend Mass and receive Communion is an incredible hardship for the faithful.  But we can still rely on our faith during these challenging times.  Take five minutes to read the Gospel of the day.  Take ten minutes for a Divine Mercy Chaplet.  Take 20 minutes for a family rosary.  Take 30 minutes to watch one of the many live streamed Masses from parishes around the country.  Strengthening our prayer life and remaining engaged in our faith reminds us that we are not alone, but are part of a widespread community, praying daily with each other and for one another.

A version of this article was originally published in the Arlington Catholic Herald

How To Talk To Children About COVID-19

With schools closed for the year, the continued spread of COVID-19 and the ongoing coverage of the virus, many parents are wondering how best to talk to their children about the corona virus.

Here are a few tips to help your child understand and cope with the COVID-19 pandemic.

1.       Stay Calm

Children take their cues from their parents.  When they’re parents are worried and highly stressed, they become more anxious.  Manage your own anxiety.  Before talking with your children, think about what you want to say, talk with your spouse, and bounce ideas off each other.  Stay calm when discussing the outbreak.

Let your younger kids play with their toys while you’re talking to them.  Having something else to focus on helps them stay calm while they listen.

On the other hand, don’t try having a conversation with your children if they’re watching TV, playing a videogame, or otherwise engaged in screen-based activities.  These are highly distracting and can create major obstacles in communication.

2.       Don’t Make Promises You Can’t Keep

We want to let our children know we will do everything possible to keep them safe, but we need to be honest.  Somethings are outside of our control. We can’t promise them they won’t get sick or that everyone they know will be fine. If we do, children may lose trust and confidence in us if people do begin to get sick. 

Tell the truth. Lead with this: there is a very low risk children and younger adults with get COVID-19.  And, according to Dr Thomas Murray at the Yale School of Medicine, COVID-19 does not appear to cause severe distress in children. Most people who contract COVID-19 will have a fever and flu-like symptoms that will clear after a few days or weeks.  The virus can be serious for people who are older or chronically ill; but remind children that older adults in our lives (grandparents, teachers, friends at church) are taking steps to ensure they stay healthy too.  During this time of year, especially in larger families, it’s not unusual for someone in the house will be sick, often with a common cold or allergies.  Reassure your kids that you’ll take care of them. Most children will tend to assume things are much worse than they really are if they aren’t given the facts.  Being honest with children, even about the risks, will reduce their anxiety.

3.       Don’t Give Them Too Much Information

While we need to be honest, we don’t want to flood our children with too much information.  Start by asking kids what they’ve heard and then respond to their concerns. Be factual, general, and brief.  Then let children ask questions.  Kids will ask questions when they’re ready for more information.

Make sure the information you give is age-appropriate.  Pre-schoolers don’t need to know about pandemics or community spread.  Older children may ask questions to which you don’t have the answers.  In those cases, either look for the answers together or tell your kids you’ll find out and get back to them.  Don’t feel like you have to have all the answers immediately but do follow up with them.  Uncertainty and the unknown fuel anxiety, answers help put things in perspective.

 It’s also important to know what they’re hearing and seeing on TV, online or in conversations they’re hearing around the house.  They could become overwhelmed and anxious if there is too much conversation about COVID-19 around them. 

4.       Make Yourself Available

Keeping on top of daily life can be challenging for all of us.  Even as we’re trying to juggle changes in school, work schedules, or wide-spread cancellations of activities, we need to be continually present and available to our children.  Several days after your initial conversation about COVID-19 they still might need to talk through their concerns or ask questions.  Make sure you’re touching base with your children at least once a day specifically to see how they’re doing.

5.        Teach Kids How to Prevent The Spread of Germs

Knowing specific steps kids can take to stay healthy is an important way to keep them from feeling powerless or out of control.  Teach them the proper way to wash their hands (Sing “Happy Birthday” twice).  Also teach them to wash hands after coming in from outside, after using the bathroom, and before and after meals.  Show them how to sneeze or cough into their elbows rather than their hands or the air.  Encourage them to keep their immune system strong by eating healthy foods, getting enough sleep, and getting exercise.

6.       Helping Children Cope

During this uncertain time, praying together as a family can be a source of comfort and encouragement for children.  Praying for anyone impacted by COVID-19 is good way to help children feel they can help others, rather than feel that they are powerless in the current crisis.

Children under stress are more likely to start acting out if they aren’t given appropriate outlets for that stress.  Being outdoors and getting exercise help reduce anxiety, so if possible and if safe, let them play outside.  Drawing, constructing, or other creative projects are a great way for children to process stress.  Most importantly, make sure children have the opportunity laugh.  Healthy play and laughter are the best ways for children to process anxiety and build resiliency.

A version of this article was originally published in the Arlington Catholic Herald

Dusting Off The Blog

Hello All!

So I realized recently that I hadn’t updated the blog in a while.  Then I checked and realized that “a while” was actually 18 months.  Ooops.  Time flies when you’re parenting small children.  Or to put it another way - the days are really long but the months and years go by faster than you’d imagine.

The two biggest things, for our family, in the last year and half are…

Duckling #4 joined our family in January 2019.  My wife and I were delighted to welcome another little girl into the family.  We’ve all had time to adjust and it’s a joy to watch her interacting with the other ducklings and to see her little personality continue to develop and shine.

Of course, the other major thing which is impact all our families is the COVID-19 pandemic.  We’re about 5 weeks into social distancing and Stay At Home orders in Virginia.  Now that everyone is starting to find a new rhythm, I thought it would be good to revisit the blog.

I’ve mostly written about parenting on this site, but recently I’ve been asked to write not just about parenting but families in general as everyone tries to adjust to the widespread changes and stressors we’re now experiencing.  So I’ll post on a broader array of topics for the time being.

This is a time of uncertainty but it is also a time to reevaluate how we relate to our children and to each other.  Focus, prioritize, and keep hope alive.

Should Catholics Celebrate Halloween?

My wife shared with me a recent discussion on a Catholic homeschooling forum that she follows. The conversation was about whether it is okay to celebrate Halloween. This was a more heated discussion than you would think with opinions ranging from "Celebrating Halloween is a sin!" to "It's just costumes and candy, stop being such a killjoy!" Most parents online were just looking for guidance on what was best for their kids.

We're in an unusual position. Due to a ferocious number of dietary issues, our kids are off sugars. Let me tell you, nothing puts a damper on trick-or-treat'ing like the realization you can’t have any of the stuff being handed out. It's even less fun than being given paper clips as a treat. At least you can do something with a paper clip. When you remove "eat the candy" as an option, the other uses for fun-size chocolate bars is surprisingly limited.

Our kids have also told us they don't like Halloween because the costumes are scary. Our youngest duckling (the 3 year old) used the word "creepy" to describe Halloween decorations in our neighborhood. I'm not sure where she got "creepy" from, but I'm glad she's letting us know how she's feeling.

But it is an interesting point - what are we celebrating? I won't go so far as to say that it's wrong to celebrate Halloween, but what message are we trying to teach our kids?  Is it the candy that's the main attraction? There are plenty of ways outside of Halloween to increase our children's sugar intake.  Is it the dressing up in costumes?  Again, we can let our kids dress up as knights or princesses or cats when they're playing at home. Having a dress up box with lots of versatile items for costumes is a great way for children to exercise their imagination. So is the appeal of Halloween the opportunity to dress up in different or morbid costumes? Letting them to pretend to be ghosts, zombies, vampires or other monsters roaming the neighborhood. I would ask again - why? What is it that we want our kids to gain and learn from this experience?

We want our children to be exposed to that which is beautiful and draws us closer to God. Anything that is neither beautiful or strengthening our relationship with, and understanding of, God isn't worth pursuing.

For Halloween, as with dozens of other regular opportunities, rather than automatically going with the crowd, ask yourself what it is that you hope your child will take away from participating in this activity. Then see if that outcome lines up with the other parenting decisions you've made and if this specific activity is the best option for your child to gain those desired experiences. If it is not, consider other alternative options that do a better job of providing the beautiful experiences to grow and learn that we want our children to have.

Opioids

Virginia, like the rest of the country, has an opioid problem.  I participated in a conference hosted by Catholic Charities of the Diocese of Arlington, led by Bishop Burbidge, over the weekend to discuss just how much of a problem, and why it’s a big deal.

Most people, when they hear “opioid addiction” tend to think street drugs – heroin and opium.  But one of the main problems are prescription opioid painkillers.  I’ve talked to a lot of doctors about this recently, and they agree that until about five years ago, the medical community didn’t realize just how addictive opioid painkillers (things like oxycodone and codeine) can be.  Let me give you some stats on prescription opioids…

·         1 in 5 people develops an increased risk of opioid addiction after just 10 days of being on a opioid prescription.

·         20% to 30% of people with opioid prescriptions for chronic pain misuse them.

·         80% of people who use heroin first misused a prescription opioid.

·         In 2016, 11.5 million Americans aged 12 and older misused a prescription pain medication.

With opioids, it’s not just the addiction that’s the problem – though that in itself can be devastating to individuals and families.  At high enough doses, opioids can be lethal – causing a dangerous drop in heart rate and breathing.  This has increased as synthetic opioids like fentanyl have started to become more prevalent.  Fentanyl, basically a super opioid, is highly lethal, and is used by gangs to cut heroin because it makes the drug stronger, but also cheaper to produce since fentanyl is inexpensive to make.

So why am I writing this, on my otherwise family friendly blog?  Because the one long term study that looked at successfully preventing the abuse of prescription meds involved strengthening families during or before children are in junior high.

This is not just a street drug issue.  This is not just a poor family or rough neighborhood issue.  With legally obtained prescription opioids being the gateway, this is an issue that impacts middle and upper middle class families just as much as those financially struggling.  And the problems are starting at a young age.

Based on the research, kids as young as 12 are getting their hands on pills that they should not have.  As parents, we need to do a couple of things:

1)      Medication management.  Don’t keep old prescriptions around the house.  If you have a legally obtained painkiller, use it as your doctor directs and then get rid of it if there is any extra.

2)      Build relationships.  We need to be able to have serious conversations with our kids.  And rather than think this means that we, as parents, need to talk to (or at) our kids more, it really means that we need to build relationships where our kids feel comfortable enough to come and share their serious concerns with us.  If our kids think we can’t (or won’t) hear them, how can they ask us for help?

We need to respond better as a community to the reality of the opioid crisis.  This means first responding better at home.

Hope

I find myself talking about hope often. Sometimes with clients, sometimes with friends and loved ones. A good friend from work asked me a great question a few days ago - what is hope? Not "what gives you hope?" (Meaning optimism) or "in what do you place our hope?" (Meaning trust) or even "for what do you hope? (Meaning desire for an outcome) but a deep look at hope itself. How do we define and understand hope?

Hope is confidence that our desire for some future good will be fulfilled, no matter how messy things get or how difficult it will be to reach that good.

The Christian has hope that he or she will be united with God in heaven. If we follow God's call in our lives faithfully, no matter how weird things get, we'll land well.

Parenting requires a healthy amount of hope. But often feels more like whiteknuckling - holding on for dear life as we cross our fingers and wish that we're not screwing up our kids too badly. But hope, in its fullest form, also needs faith. As parents we want to have hope that the good we desire for our kids is attainable, and we need faith in our decision making that the paths we travel with our children don't lead us off a cliff.

But what if I don't trust my own parenting judgment? What if I have zero confidence in my parenting in general?! What if I really am the worst parent ever?!?!!

Stop.

Slow down.

Breathe.

If you WERE the worst parent ever, you wouldn't be so worried that you might be the worst or that you were unintentionally screwing up you kids royally.  Sure, there are things we can do differently and better (See pretty much every other blog entry on this site) but panicking that we're dreadful parents so much that we spend more time freaking out and less time making positive changes makes no sense.

Have hope.

Take a deep breath. Or three.

Know that you aren't alone. So go find someone to talk to and figure out what are the 1 or 2 things that need to change and what are the 2 or 3 things that are going well.

What are some specific ways we can increase hope?  You can think of think of a time that things went better than you expected.  You can try to identify something, even if its tiny, that made you feel proud.  You can ask someone who you trust to help you think of ways that you’ve grown as a parent or a person.  You can pray.

This week, find your reason for hope, no matter how small, and think of ways to strengthen that hope.

Guide Or Punish

A colleague told me recently about a difficult situation where a parent was trying to discipline their rambunctious child. Discipline is a good thing, it's a part of helping our children grow in virtue. There are clear expectations of behavior that all children must learn, such as always look both ways before crossing the street, speak respectfully toward others, and tell the truth at all times. Discipline is the art of teaching children to live virtuously while instilling a clear sense and understanding of the rules, codes, and standard operating procedures that our children will encounter every day they're living in the world.

If our children are more docile in temperament, it may be easier to encourage these behaviors. Certainly not "easy" but easier. Not every kid is docile. The Ducklings, for example, all have strong personalities and have no problem letting you know what they think. They come by it honestly.

So how do we respond to a child that has a big personality? Especially when that child may not do things exactly as you want them done. The answer cannot be forcing compliance through fear and violence. My colleague shared that the parents of the rambunctious child had resorted to hitting and washing the kid's mouth with soap. Sadly, this won't end well. Discipline and punishment are not the same thing. A child who is spanked or hit doesn't learn what the expectations are, or why they matter. Instead, the child learns to avoid being punished rather than internalize the message or lesson. There are lots of ways to avoid being punished. Not getting caught is one of the easiest. When we resort to punishing, what we're teaching our kids are the merits of being sneaky. A focus on avoiding being in trouble at all costs (by lying or deceit) can carry on from childhood into adolescence and adulthood.  So while there might be a surface change in behavior, we wouldn't say this is an example of a child growing in virtue.

Equally problematic is how a punishing approach weakens the relationship between parent and child. Kids become resentful of the intervention ("I don't like that you yell at me all the time but if nothing I do is ever good enough for you then why should I even bother."). Parents can feel equally resentful ("I feel guilty for what I did and I wouldn't have had to do it if you would just behave better"). So an intervention that leaves both parent and child more upset with themselves and the other person while not actually making any positive changes needs to be reconsidered.

When I present this idea, parents often ask me if I think kids should just be left to run wild.  No, but I think we can guide our children without resorting to punishment - the parental nuclear option. Instead, we can clearly explain, in age appropriate terms, what behavior is expected and why.  We can help our children understand cause and effect by seeing the consequences of their choices, both good and bad.  Here’s an example.  Let’s say one of the Ducklings wants me to read them a story before bed, and I want her to pick up her toys first.  If I ask this at 7pm and bedtime is at 7:30pm, the sooner she picks up, the more time we have to read.  If she pokes around until 7:28pm, we won’t have a lot of time for reading.  There’s a clearly stated expectation (please clean up your room) and a clearly understood consequence (stories can’t happen until the room is clean, and bedtime is in 30 minutes).  So if she zips right through and cleans everything in 5 minutes, she gets lots of reading time. Hooray for her!  She made a decision that has positive consequences.  If she dawdles, she might not have time for a story.  Sorry, but we’ll try it again tomorrow.

Three important notes here for parents.  One, all directions must be reasonable and achievable.  It’s fine to give your kid 5 minutes to get in pajamas and brush teeth but it’s no fair giving a kid a 5 minute window to mow the entire yard.  Two, stay positive and calm.  If you send the message that you believe a kid will fail, they probably will.  And if they don’t meet their goal, be encouraging that they can achieve it next time.  Three, you MUST be consistent and follow through.  If you say bedtime is at 7:30, stick to that.  If you say you’re going to read if they get things done, be true to your word.  Kids are more likely to follow through when they see their parents doing the same.

This week, when an opportunity comes up to guide your child, think about what is the true lesson you want him or her to learn, and how to teach that lesson in the most positive way possible.

Laugh More

I was making dinner tonight when one of the ducklings had an idea. "Daddy," said Duckling #1 "Let's play a game. We want you to be a friendly dragon that we trained. And you live with us. And we taught you to cook. And you're friendly but in a cranky sort of way. And your name is Matt." Yup, Matt the friendly but slightly cranky dragon that cooks. That's me.

I wasn't sure I wanted to pretend to be a dragon. Certainly not one named Matt. And why are my kids making ME the cranky dragon? Couldn't I be the cool dragon. Why cranky? I could feel myself getting slightly cranky about being asked to pretend to be a slightly cranky dragon. Ahoy there, irony!

But the ducklings weren't fussing at me. They weren't whining or complaining. They wanted to engage and have some fun.  OK, I can do that. So for 30 minutes tonight I pretended to be Matt the slightly cranking dragon who was cooking egg fried rice for dinner. It was great. We had a lot of fun, and we enjoyed a much calmer and more enjoyable, albeit sillier, dinner than we had in a while.

Sometimes being present to our kids means being willing to be silly. Sure, there's a time and a place, but there are far more times and places where it's OK to be silly with our kids than not. So what holds us back? Are we distracted? Too tired? Self conscious? (adults aren't supposed to be silly!) Whatever the reason, how can we overcome those roadblocks and be present to our children in the way that they're asking us to be?

When we enter into the imaginary worlds our kids create, it shows them that we are willing to meet them where they are. We're willing to get down on the floor with them (figuratively or literally) and share in their delight.

This week, find an opportunity to join with our kids, even if it means being silly.

Video Game Addiction

Following the World Health Organization's decision to include "Gaming Disorder" as a diagnosis, the Catholic News Agency contacted me for a comment.  You can read the article here.  In short (and as I've said before on this site) video games can cause significant problems for individuals and families, and I'm glad to see the increased attention from the medical community.

Later that week, I was invited back on Morning Air to discuss video game addition with Jon and Glenn.  You can hear the interview here about 45 minutes into the segment.

Video game addiction may only effect a small percentage of players, but it speaks to a larger underlying issue of isolation and loneliness - both of which continue to increase among children and adults.